Whenever my 2-year-old grandson is trying to figure something out, he says, "huh? wha? huh? wha?" with a quizzical look on his face that is just adorable! I imagine that's how you're feeling this very moment. How do Sandwiches, Boomerangs and Babies go together?
Sandwiches are that generation that is helping parents that might need a bit more than just a phone call every so often to check in. Sometimes Sandwiches actually live with their parents, or, more often, the parent(s) move in with their adult children. At times a caregiver is hired to help; and once in awhile, the parent(s) need to be placed in a care facility with caregiving offered at the level that is needed. What makes Sandwiches, well, sandwiches, is that they are also still raising their own children or have older children/young adults living at home. They are then "sandwiched" between two other generations.
Boomerangs are the generation that has left home at one time or another, sometimes for college, or because they are able to be on their own. Then something happens to shake up the once-secure foundation and they move back home. A job lay-off (or four), a nasty divorce complete with custody battle, a downturn in the economy, an unplanned pregnancy...You get the drift. Some Boomerangs leave the nest and bounce back in numerous times like a, well, boomerang and the parental front door takes on the atmosphere of a revolving door.
Babies are pretty self-explanatory. They come, usually after approximately 9 months and usually belonging to the Boomerangs. Sometimes, however, given the state of the economy and/or low-rung-on-the-totem-pole pay, day care is out of the question, so retired grandparents (Sandwiches) pitch in to help.
I am a Sandwich and was a Boomerang with Boomerangs of my own and grand"Babies" that I'm helping to take care of. I lived at home while I went to college. Thanks in part to two major surgeries and a change of degree program along with three school changes, I managed to cram a four year degree into seven years. My parents were great, never making me feel any less welcome during that long-drawn out time. I'm pretty sure I actually pulled far less than my weight in chores around the house because I was always so busy. Honestly, I don't know how I found the time to go to classes, I was so busy doing theatre, music, volunteering with Camp Fire, hanging out with my friends, supporting the sports teams of my school, and all those other things that are so essential (in a student's eyes, anyway) to a well-rounded education.
After graduation I taught for three years on the Apache Reservation. I loved the kids and the job, but felt really isolated and alone so far from home and my friends. When I moved back home, I moved back HOME. I was welcomed with open arms, even though in leaving my job, I left a paycheck, too. I was unable to find another full-time position at that time, so I substituted for three different school districts. It brought in enough to make my car and student loan payments, but not enough to be able to move out. Which turned out to be okay, because I got married at the end of that semester and finally gave my parents the empty nest they'd been kind enough not to point out they wanted.
Eight and a half years later, I boomeranged again, this time with my two little boys in tow. By this time I did have a full-time job with a decent paycheck, but my mother was worried that we wouldn't be safe in a place by ourselves. Two months later, Mom felt okay, but less than thrilled when we moved out into a little condo of our own. Two months after that, Mom took us home to stay with her after a long, scary bout with blood clots in my lungs. We stayed that time for five weeks before I felt strong enough to go to our own place. See what I mean by Boomerang?
I am a Sandwich, too. Last year my mother had a stroke that put her in the hospital and rehab. When she went home, I moved in with her. It was hard to see her that debilitated and was time for me to pick up the reins and be the parent for awhile. She is a walking, talking miracle and has no physical defect from the event, but I needed to be there for her during that time. Mom is once again living alone and I check in with her often. Her short term memory is fuzzy sometimes and I like to make sure she's taking the medicine that's keeping her blood pressure in control. We also have a caregiver who goes in once a week to refill her meds boxes and clean. She and I are in contact often as well. On the plus side, Mom and I are even closer than we've ever been and I've been able to see and talk to my brother more often, too.
My oldest son is married and has been in and out of the house a couple of times. When I became a grandmother the first time, we decided that it would be cheaper to rent a larger house for the five of us than two smaller places. Meanwhile, my younger son was finishing his college degree and couldn't afford to go out on his own just yet.
Today, we are a family of six with another one on the way. My younger son has had a hard time finding a job period, much less one with a Bachelor's degree in Psychology. He finally landed one with The Cheesecake Factory...washing dishes. His back lasted about a month in that job. He succumbed to the constant query by his fellow workers: "You have a bachelor's degree? Why are you here?!" and decided to go back on the quest for work.
And that brings us to the point of this blog. What you will read here will attempt to fill you in on what works for us, and what definitely doesn't. I know we are not the only family group living the way we are. We aren't the first and we surely won't be the last. Both of my sons are eager to be out on their own and I'm glad they feel that way. I didn't raise them to be Mama's Boys. But I will gladly keep them with me as long as they need me. There may well come a day when I need to be the one living with them because of whatever circumstances life throws at us.
My first piece of advice is straight out of the Bible: "And be ye kind one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God, for Christ's sake has forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:32)
We may not always get it right, but at the end of the day, we still love each other and forgive as we have been forgiven. Each day is a clean slate, a new start. May your 2012 be filled with love, happiness, and forgiveness. Happy New Year world!
